we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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