sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Come see our sink grown plant.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
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i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
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holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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