At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
