just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
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Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
And then he peed in my hair
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