i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Girls should come with a carfax report
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
