The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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