Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
