i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
