I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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