I'm lost and stupid without you.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
