That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
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I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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