lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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