Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
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It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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