I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
