You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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