I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
