life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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