Girls should come with a carfax report
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Help. Why am I so naked?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
