I seem to have left my pride at pride
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize