there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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