And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
