Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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