I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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