Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
