speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
