My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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