I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
