I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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