Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.