I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
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I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.