I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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