I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
