I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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