i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
