My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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