so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I want her autograph on my taint
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
