I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
