Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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