Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
