i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
