Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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