Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
