my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
