She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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