btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
