I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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