Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us