there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
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Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
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I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.