The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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