My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
