i jhust puked up my retainher.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
