i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
