I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
