Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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