Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
