i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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