But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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I stole so many things from the ER last night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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