THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
