Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
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You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
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The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize