is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.