remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
