He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
