Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
