youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
