i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My penis needs a shock collar
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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